Ya know you wrote the wrong mileage down on the form? You barely know the car. Ya gotta come in and ya gotta get the oil changed every 1000 miles. You're gonna have to keep it under 60 miles an hour for a while. But it's gonna take a major commitment from you. Okay, ya put in a low grade oil you can damage vital engine parts, okay? See this gasket? I have no confidence in that gasket. Jerry, motor oil is the life blood of a car. Ya know that motor oil you're putting in there? From one of those quickie lube places, isn't it? Oh, P.S., the first twenty-four hours are the worst. Or I will strip you of your 'associate' status. Peterman, the fact is that I was planning on breaking up with Zach anyway. plus, I gave him some phone numbers of places he could score near the hotel. I'm the one who sent him to Thailand in search of low-cost whistles, filled his head with pseudoerotic tales of my own Opium excursions. Well, it just keeps getting better!Īnd, in a tiny way, I almost feel responsible. I'm afraid the problem with Zach is more serious. I know all about his little performance in the break room.Įlaine, who among us hasn't snuck into the break room to nibble on a love newton? 'Cause if we're dating, what everyone saw was just a beautiful moment between two lovers.Īs opposed to a spirited bout of Skanko-Roman wrestling.Įlaine, do you have a moment? It's about your lover. Well, unless you tell everybody you're dating. Why did I do this? Now I'm the office skank. Do you know how embarrassing this is to someone in my position? We made out at the table like our plane was going down!
There was this guy, and we had a few too many. No, I found a better way to humiliate myself. Well, that is open to interpretation because so much depends on the layering, and the quality of the wetness in the eyes. But what if its the two-hander? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes. Although what if its one of those hugs, where the shoulders are touching, and the hips are 8 feet apart. If she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign. Million to one."ĭon't get worked up, because you're going to know the whole story the minute she walks off the plane.īecause it's all in the greeting. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Have you ever met a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. It could be just some guy with a big ass.Ĭome on! No doctor would put that on his car. It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women.
#Jerry seinfeld master of my domain quote license#
Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"? Somebody got mine and I got their vanity plates. If you could you'd guzzle it by the gallon! Ovaltine! Hershey's! No, and only the purest syrup nectar can satisfy you! Oh you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master, the cocoa bean. So what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no no, yours is a sweet tooth.
You're a portly fellow, a bit long in the waistband. Uh, what kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless, a man of temptations, but what tempts you? And no numbers for you, you're a word man. Um, well, we can throw out birthdays immediately.
#Jerry seinfeld master of my domain quote code#
Oh, come on, just tell me your code already. What is that, a Titleist? Hole in one, huh? So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me but I knew something was there. Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blowhole. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly the great beast appeared before me. The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I get enough headaches just trying to manufacture the stuff. If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk, pushing papers around, you can forget it.
I'm gonna hire you as my latex salesman? I don't think so. You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman. So now, when the phone rings, you have to answer "Vandelay Industries". Did anybody call here asking for Vandelay Industries?Īll right, listen closely, I was at the unemployment office and I told them I was very close to getting a job with Vandelay Industries, and I gave them your phone number.
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